Remembering

Sometimes it can be so easy to forget things. Like forgetting that life is meant to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest, so this week my goal has been to intentionally laugh more...oh and to take my lunch breaks. It can be easy to forget that we are all humans, all tainted by this humanness, but in this season we are to remember that He came to this world to cover that. So this week I am trying to remember to love my brothers and my sisters, to know that some of them have not seen His truth, that in not loving them I am only sending them deeper into the darkness and lies. I want to remember these simple things.

Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

-Mother Teresa

I have lots to say, but most of it I am supposed to keep to myself. I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am beyond blessed and I cannot believe how much the Father gives to me--He does so in abundance, I mean really, He doesn't hold back. When I think about the friends I have I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful support. So many have carried me through ups and downs. How do I even thank them for it? So many are ridiculously obedient to the Lord and He uses them to bless me, that is still something I cannot figure out. I hope that I always let them know how truly blessed I am to have them in my life.

The seasons are upon us and perhaps this is why I am reflecting on these things. Or maybe I have just come to a point where I look around me and I see how many truly wonderful people I get to be around. Maybe it is because I have been in this season of blessings and I get to share with them all the wonderful things going on, to rejoice with them over all these things. Whatever it is I am so glad have come to this acknowledgment. To feel truly, deeply, loved and blessed.

So this year I am determined to make this holiday especially wonderful and blessed. Sadly my past has tainted the holidays, marked with the struggles of coming from a divorced family and always being torn as children as to which parent to spend the most time with. I noticed that this time tends to be marked with stress, anxiety, and feeling that I cannot please anyone. I am sure most of this I have brought upon myself, my past is not a bad one, not one that should make this season so traumatic at least. So it is time for a change. I am going to enjoy the season, I am going to laugh, I am to celebrate how I want...and dang it we're getting a real Christmas tree. I want to get one this week, but the housemate has convinced me to wait until the first week of December. I am really looking forward to it, I don't even care that we are going to piece together decorations and have a ghetto tree--I am going to love it.

Still waiting...

Nine days from now will be my last day at the Joy House and I will be leaving. I still do not know where, all I know is that I am in fact leaving. I am really not sure how I am going to do this, how things will come together, how I will feel about it all...I just know it is coming whether I am ready for it or not.

The job market has not been the easiest thing and while I have submitted oodles of cover letters and resumes, I have only gotten a couple of interviews. I am still holding on with great hope and faith, knowing that the Lord has the right job in store for me. Is this foolish of me? I feel like this step out, this step in faith, goes against the grain of all I am and all I have done to make it to this point. It feels like all my life I have had to be organized, structured, prepared, always thinking two-steps a head and expecting the unexpected. And now here I am. A cup of coffee. A bowl of fruit. Sitting at a computer trying to make sense. Without a clue as to what is next. This is scary for me. But here stands this foolish girl, with frayed hope and unshaken faith. Waiting.

boxes

I am still working on packing. My hope is to get most of it done today. I have made some progress, but nothing as I would have hoped. I know I just need to keep at it. I have been here for 27 months! It is amazing what a person can hold onto in that time. I am hoping that this "purging" of "stuff" will be a relief and allow me to simplify some. I received a HUGE blessing of boxes from my co-worker who just moved this past weekend...I also heard that a friend has several more for me!

Along with packing I have a few important phone calls. In about an hour and a half I will be talking to WMPL to see what is next. I am honestly not sure what will come of it. While I am hopeful that they will allow application for candidacy, I know that the Lord is in control and that I need to trust Him. Later today I will have a phone interview for a case management position with a great organization in MN. We will see what is to come of that too.

Needed today: focus, wisdom, sound-mind, and always more Jesus!

sleep

I cannot seem to sleep. No matter what I do I just lay wide awake.

This weekend I spent a lot of time working on job searches. I realized today that in the past two-weeks I have sent out about 15 cover letters and resumes. I need to start making some calls, it seems like a lot are asking for no follow up calls, so it leaves me to wait. I have another six cover letters/resumes to send out tomorrow. I am hoping something will come up.

I am continuing to step and faith and trust that the Lord will make things clear to me in His perfect timing. Things are exciting right now. I spoke to WMPL on Thursday and they are going to discuss if they will allow me to go a head with the candidacy application. This is a huge and thrilling step! Based on this I am applying for jobs in CO and in MN. Again, I am just trusting that the Lord will be opening and closing doors in accordance with His will. They will talk tomorrow about the application, so I am holding tight until they get back to me later this week.

Last week I had this lingering feeling of anxiety. Nothing handicapping, just there. I guess it is the bodies way of telling me to let go of the stresses and to just trust and know that things are going to be ok. How easy it is to not trust!

Prayer Requests:
-For the packing & decluttering of my apartment
-Wisdom in the job search
-Direction in the WMPL candidacy application process
-And praise for the things He is teaching me in this time

fear

this past week i have come to see just how fear driven i can be. the Word tells us over and over again that we are not to be fearful or to allow the world (or our own minds) control us. but again, it is so human. the Lord just keeps showing me how much He wants to take care of me.

this week i told my bosses that i would be leaving at the end of August. that decision came with so much anxiety and fear, and in the end it was totally ok. they supported my decision and even encouraged me to continue on the journey the Lord is leading me in.

the path that i am on is still not clear. i think of the verse (i am not sure where it is so i won't be able to reference the exact location) that says "your word is a lamp unto my feet..." if i have a lamp at my feet, i am not seeing too far a head of it. i can really only see the first step, and the second step is only barely lit. so i have take that one step in order for that lamp to move and light up the next step. well metaphorically this sounds beautiful, realistically it is scary.

i am sitting on the couch in my apartment, my spirit feels a bit low, and i have no idea where to go. i have to start packing--but to go where? i know that He is going to show me. . .but at the moment i just need see the the next step that the lamp is lighting up.

Life is filled with so many options and opportunities. It seems like everywhere I turn there is a good idea. Since I am in a place of the unknown everything fascinates me and I cannot help but think, "God, maybe you want me there?" While at first it is very exciting, lately I am finding it exhausting. Maybe there is a good reason for that...it's not about me. It's not about my will or what I want, but truly living a life of commitment.

I went to this small group study tonight and was really honored to meet some pretty fabulous people. One of the questions that came up was "What does it mean to be faithful?" I continue to explore this concept and how faith is not to be conditional. My faith should not be based on my feelings, or on the circumstance I am in, but it is a true commitment. The Lord takes my walk with Him serious. I see how much commitment He holds to marriage and bringing a man and a woman together, He requires even greater devotion of me than that.

The study was based on being "risky" and how the Lord honors those that take great risks for His glory. I thought of how funny that is...to discuss that at this time. I am only at the house through mid-September...after that, who knows? I mean of course God does...but really...I have no clue what is next. It is scary, I would love to say that I am bold and brave, fearless even, but I am not. I am human. I am simple. Annnnd, well, I am scared. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "The Lord has not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." I wonder what kind of self-discipline is required in order to not be ruled by a spirit of fear.

Stepping blindly

Lately I have had to learn a few lessons. Mostly two stick out right now:

1. Be silent and listen to the Lord--this requires patience, but remember His timing is perfect.
2. I am a control freak. The Lord is dealing with me in this, it's not so fun.
   

Things seem to be changing and I do not know how or why...sometimes I don't even know if I am doing the right thing. It requires so much more faith than I have, yet I know He says He will never give me more than I can handle. I know that the world will look at me and think, "What the heck is she doing?" While I long to justify myself to them, I find it hard to let them in on the conversations the Lord is having with me. How do I let you know that some of these things are just as crazy to me? How do I express that my faith is being stretched in such a beautiful and intimate way? This "stepping blindly" does not come natural for me. Like I said I am a control freak. I want to know what is next, I want to know how it will work out, I want to know what I need to do to make it happen...and yet I am being told that I need to leave my agenda at the foot of the cross.

I feel like I am spending a lot of time waiting. It is so weird...the peace I am finding in it. Some of the decisions I am being asked to me make feel BIG, bold, risky even. Yet I am hearing Him lead.

Last week I let my work know that I will be leaving in mid-September. It was hard. I do not know where I am going. I have no plans yet. All I have is this faith that He is going to show up and provide. It is scary. The other night I found myself reminding Him of my financial situation. Reminding Him that my student loans do not care if I am in His will. They want my money and they want it on time. It made me laugh, the fact that I was "reminding" Him of this. He must look at me and think of how silly I am. He must be saying, "Oh Naiya, you are a special one of My children...it takes you a bit longer to get Me."

This evening one of the girls asked me if I was still leaving and I told her I was. She looked like she was going to cry, she just shook her head. I had to change the subject. I could not be present with her in that moment...I will miss her and I cannot let myself cry about it yet. I feel so blessed to have been called into this ministry. I have learned a lot. I have loved a lot. I am scared of what I am leaving, especially not knowing what is next. But I know I have to keep moving forward, He loves me too much to keep where I am.

Discernment

I am finding that my ability to understand and proceed with the next step is a bit clouded. It can all be rather tricky. While I desire to walk in the Lord's will, I am also very human...by this I simply mean that my own agenda in the decisions about life will be present in the decision process. So how does one master the ability to to be quiet and still enough to to hear the Lord's whisper of how to move forward?

This past week was busy with being on duty. Nothing major going on, just lots of silly business. For the first time in a very loooong time I had nothing to do on Saturday, which was nice. I could have been productive, I wanted to be productive, but instead I slept and watched movies! I really loved it. Anyway...this week wll be a bit different. On Thursday night I am going to the retreat house that houses missionaries and allows them to get away for a bit. It is in the city, so that is nice. I will go from Thursday night until Saturday morning. The plan is to bike there, it is just over 10 miles, so that should be good for me. I really want to take up more bike riding.

Prayer request:

• That I would practice the discipline of listening
• For wisdom and discernment
• Taking the time for some rest

Change...

As it is life never goes as one expects it, right? How long does it take to learn this lesson? I imagine forever. Obviously we cannot choose how thing go, but we can choose the attitude we have in it. While I strive to be someone who chooses a spirit of joy through trials, I can say that is not always the case. What a human I am!

Anyway. For awhile I thought I was headed out of the country this summer to serve a family that has a son with special needs. After some closed doors and some prayer, I feel that I am no longer headed in that direction. I still feel that I am to leave my job and find something that will allow me to pay off my student loans...this seems almost like a scary step than the one to leave the country! In this time I want to work on fine tuning my walk and commitment to the Lord. I want to know that when trials come I will allow my faith to be stronger than my humanness. Changes will come, but I want to know that I a committed believer, committed to this journey and adventure in life, committed to choosing a spirit of joy.

Hug

This is more for me then anyone else. Just needed to write...to process.

Today marks one-week that we lost a friend from our community. Last Monday morning the cleaning lady of a motel room walked in to find the body of 33 year old Michael Darwin Young. I have yet to accept this as truth, but I know it will hit me. Part of me wants to cry, but just cannot seem to yet.

Michael and I had a very interesting realationship. It was a love/hate relationship...as in we loved to hate each other. Ok, but seriously, we would do everything in our ability to annoy each other. I used to always ask Michael if I could bum a cigarette from him. The first time I asked he said, "No, not you Naiya", only to explain later that he respected and loved me too much to let me spoke. So of course I would always ask and it would always peeve him. I liked to call him at night and ask him what he was doing, usually it was studying, hanging out on the porch, and once he was sleeping. I would just call to ask for a cigarette and he'd hang up on me. Of course I am not a smoker, so I was never serious...I guess that's why I would ask.

There were times that Michael would get really angry or annoyed with me. I would just laugh...later he told me that he would get upset for no reason other than the fact that I reminded him of his ex-wife. She had been his high school sweetheart. They had a son together, which Michael adored and loved. I met her tonight. Many people told me we looked alike...I guess I have no reason to blame him for getting frustrated with me for no reason. He once told me that they had done horrible things to each other, nasty things out of anger which was really just hurt. He lost his family to his addications--alcohol & heroine. I hate drugs. I hate the devil for using them to lie to people.

Michael had this obnoxiously perfect smile. You could never stay angry with him...not that he would give you much reason to. He had these great eyes, sometimes they looked gray. Oh and he could sing and play the guitar. We shared a love for country music...which was good seeing that not many around here can appreciate the music. He had a Texan accent that would get thicker when he was angry--I couldn't help it, it'd always make me laugh. It was even endearing in some way.

Jordan, that's Michael's sister's name. He loved her so much. He used to ask me to pray for her. He thought she was so amazing and beautiful, he so desired for her to have a life he thought she deserved. I do not know what was going on with her, but he would talk to me about how great she was and how much he wanted to see her safe and happy.

My fondest memory of Michael. One day we were standing in the church building. He had been outside working on something, no doubt to help someone. He came in and was sweaty and dirty. I saw him and went to hug him. He stepped back and said something about being dirty and how I'd be grossed out to touch him. I told him I did not care, gross did not bother me, guys were usually gross but never realised it. I hugged him, he hugged back. He said, "Thank you for loving people the way you do." I am glad I did not hold out on that hug.

Tonight the room was packed with people crying and gathering to honor his life. It makes me sad to know that he died alone. In the lies of the enemy. I know he is in heaven for he loved the Lord deeply...

Micheal, you have been taken into the Lord's embrace. May you rest in peace brother.

Human

I feel like I am constantly being reminded of how human I am. My thoughts and my feelings are so limited by this humaness. In reality I believe in a Creator that is so much bigger...even my words to describe Him are limited.

When I take a step back and accept that He in fact created all that this tiny little planet holds...then you go further and think of the planets and the universe beyond that...I am so dumb founded. The Word talks about Him verse after verse and declares that He and only He is the reason for existance. How small and insignificant I feel.

Yet as I read Gen 1 I think of how necessary it was for Him to just speak for us...for everything around me to be exist. Deep down I wonder if the day I choose to seek Him, to accept Him, to give my life to following Him...do you think maybe that day was just as significant as the day He spoke creation into being? Becasue on that day, the day I finally saw Him...I feel like I was formless and empty, the darkness had consumed me...but then He spoke and brought form to me, He filled me with truth, He seperated the darkness from the light and showed me which I truly belonged to.

Self-pity

Today I went to the pool. I have not done my best at waking up and swimming in the morning. I was proud of myself because I spent the weekend pretty sick. So I was really happy that I woke up and did not let the lingering sinus issues hold me back.

Watch out when you have that kind of pity for yourself. When you submit your life to the Lord He is faithful to show us to be humble. During the my break between lap 16 and 17 I looked up and just as I did an older woman with two crutches walked in. Soon after I realized she only had one leg. I cannot imagine the courage and faith it has taken her to not take life in stride, but to be proactive and to press forward.

How easily I forget how blessed I am.

Taking a walk.

No matter what vows I make, not matter how much self-discipline I desire, I still cannot make it on here enough to a consistent blogger. I guess that is ok, seeing how I do not really write to or for anyone in particular.

My trip to PK is coming together. After a week or two of phone tag Matt's teacher and I finally got to talk. He is allowing me to come shadow them on Friday, 23 April to get a better understanding of what environment Matt currently is in. He seems to be doing well at present, and the hope is that we can continue that for him once we have left.

So tonight was our weekly house gathering. It happens every Monday night. It was a lot of fun. I spent the weekend in bed (like literally from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon) and took today off to make sure I was better. It was so refreshing to see everyone and to have a wonderfully homemade meal. We had a short night and at the end staff and two of the residents went for a walk. It was so much fun to go on a 30-45 minute walk and to just chat. At the end of the walk it came to one of the girls realization that today marks her 7 months of sobriety! OH MY GOSH!! How exciting is that? I felt so blessed to be there as she realized it as we all were allowed to rejoice with her.

My life is marked in an abundance of blessings. As I reflect on the time that just past I realize that my sins, my life in darkness, sent Him to the cross. I am so happy that I and my sisters and brothers have truly been delivered from that. My heart overflows.

He moves.

It amazes me how the Lord moves. Lately I just have felt the power of His "bigness". He is just so much greater than I can even imagine. The Word testifies to this:

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no on can fathom." Psalm 145:3

This week will be the last week for one of my girls. For various reasons she has decided to leave the program. It is a bummer, because of course we want her here and feel it would be best for her and her small child. She knows that if things do not work out she is welcome to come back. So I keep thinking, "Have I offered her the kind of love and empowerment that she would want to return to?" This week my goal has been to be present with her, to love her, and to encourage her. I can only hope and pray that she too will see His vastness and feel Him move in her life.