fear

this past week i have come to see just how fear driven i can be. the Word tells us over and over again that we are not to be fearful or to allow the world (or our own minds) control us. but again, it is so human. the Lord just keeps showing me how much He wants to take care of me.

this week i told my bosses that i would be leaving at the end of August. that decision came with so much anxiety and fear, and in the end it was totally ok. they supported my decision and even encouraged me to continue on the journey the Lord is leading me in.

the path that i am on is still not clear. i think of the verse (i am not sure where it is so i won't be able to reference the exact location) that says "your word is a lamp unto my feet..." if i have a lamp at my feet, i am not seeing too far a head of it. i can really only see the first step, and the second step is only barely lit. so i have take that one step in order for that lamp to move and light up the next step. well metaphorically this sounds beautiful, realistically it is scary.

i am sitting on the couch in my apartment, my spirit feels a bit low, and i have no idea where to go. i have to start packing--but to go where? i know that He is going to show me. . .but at the moment i just need see the the next step that the lamp is lighting up.

Life is filled with so many options and opportunities. It seems like everywhere I turn there is a good idea. Since I am in a place of the unknown everything fascinates me and I cannot help but think, "God, maybe you want me there?" While at first it is very exciting, lately I am finding it exhausting. Maybe there is a good reason for that...it's not about me. It's not about my will or what I want, but truly living a life of commitment.

I went to this small group study tonight and was really honored to meet some pretty fabulous people. One of the questions that came up was "What does it mean to be faithful?" I continue to explore this concept and how faith is not to be conditional. My faith should not be based on my feelings, or on the circumstance I am in, but it is a true commitment. The Lord takes my walk with Him serious. I see how much commitment He holds to marriage and bringing a man and a woman together, He requires even greater devotion of me than that.

The study was based on being "risky" and how the Lord honors those that take great risks for His glory. I thought of how funny that is...to discuss that at this time. I am only at the house through mid-September...after that, who knows? I mean of course God does...but really...I have no clue what is next. It is scary, I would love to say that I am bold and brave, fearless even, but I am not. I am human. I am simple. Annnnd, well, I am scared. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "The Lord has not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." I wonder what kind of self-discipline is required in order to not be ruled by a spirit of fear.

Stepping blindly

Lately I have had to learn a few lessons. Mostly two stick out right now:

1. Be silent and listen to the Lord--this requires patience, but remember His timing is perfect.
2. I am a control freak. The Lord is dealing with me in this, it's not so fun.
   

Things seem to be changing and I do not know how or why...sometimes I don't even know if I am doing the right thing. It requires so much more faith than I have, yet I know He says He will never give me more than I can handle. I know that the world will look at me and think, "What the heck is she doing?" While I long to justify myself to them, I find it hard to let them in on the conversations the Lord is having with me. How do I let you know that some of these things are just as crazy to me? How do I express that my faith is being stretched in such a beautiful and intimate way? This "stepping blindly" does not come natural for me. Like I said I am a control freak. I want to know what is next, I want to know how it will work out, I want to know what I need to do to make it happen...and yet I am being told that I need to leave my agenda at the foot of the cross.

I feel like I am spending a lot of time waiting. It is so weird...the peace I am finding in it. Some of the decisions I am being asked to me make feel BIG, bold, risky even. Yet I am hearing Him lead.

Last week I let my work know that I will be leaving in mid-September. It was hard. I do not know where I am going. I have no plans yet. All I have is this faith that He is going to show up and provide. It is scary. The other night I found myself reminding Him of my financial situation. Reminding Him that my student loans do not care if I am in His will. They want my money and they want it on time. It made me laugh, the fact that I was "reminding" Him of this. He must look at me and think of how silly I am. He must be saying, "Oh Naiya, you are a special one of My children...it takes you a bit longer to get Me."

This evening one of the girls asked me if I was still leaving and I told her I was. She looked like she was going to cry, she just shook her head. I had to change the subject. I could not be present with her in that moment...I will miss her and I cannot let myself cry about it yet. I feel so blessed to have been called into this ministry. I have learned a lot. I have loved a lot. I am scared of what I am leaving, especially not knowing what is next. But I know I have to keep moving forward, He loves me too much to keep where I am.