Thankful

I have been given so much in life; when I think about it I am overcome with joy. Not much has been handed to me, I have worked hard for all that I have. Yet that somehow makes it so much more enjoyable. The more I talk to people around me I see that they too have had to fight hard for the things they are most passionate about.

For some of my childhood I felt rather alone. I always felt that I was left to answer my own questions, left to the challenges and doubts I faced. Yet I can also see how the Lord clearly brought some significantly important people to help me through some of the toughest areas.

My life is marked by some very wonderful people. Some have moved on in life, with some I struggle to remain in contact with, while others are always there...maybe not daily, but I know they are there. For the first time I feel I have a solid group of people that support me. I still forget to call them when I need prayer, but at some point I realize they are there.

The people I have been blessed to work with and minister alongside with have been a true blessing to my life. They have stretched, challenged me, questioned me, and encouraged me. Where I would be without them I just do not know. At this time in my life I know the Lord is calling me to remain in this ministry, to take full advantage of what I have here and all of the learning experiences He places before me. Yet part of me also feels that He wants me to be aware that He has a next step for me. That in the next two years He will be calling me to something new...the next chapter.

In knowing that He has revealed to me that in the next couple years there will be something else I feel that I should begin preparing for this next chapter. But where do I start?

In this time of thanksgiving I have a list of people to be so thankful for. Without each of these individuals I would not be the woman I am today.

Doubt

Last week was a tough week. For some reason on Monday and Tuesday the residents kept trying to remind me that I was younger than them, that I had not experienced life as they had, and that I did not have all the answers. Again, I have never claimed to have all the answers, I do not know what it means to be in an intimate relationship with an abuser, though I do know some of what it is to experience abuse from family, and though I am young I have been placed in this ministry.

On Wednesday I spent most of my evening with one of my ladies in the ER. She was ok, mostly just overwhelmed with life as a whole. That night I sat in the car wondering when an ambulance would come take me away...at least so that I could get away for awhile. I so desperately just wanted to quit. The last few week just finally started to ware on me and I was ready to check out. I realized leaving was not the answer, it is when we want to walk away and choose to stay that we show we are truly living for Him.

The rest of my week was entirely consumed with painting and preping an apartment for a resident to move in. The painting was not so bad, but the constant feeling of having something to do did. I went from meeting, to painting, from office work, to painting, from dinner, to more painting. I think I put in roughly ten hours every day last week. Sadly, so did my co-workers! I guess it was good bonding for us. Anyhow, finally things were over by Saturday night. Yesterday I had only enough energy to attend service and to nap during the football game.

I do love being here. I love these women. I love these children. Today I got a new resident and I was reminded that I am here for these ladies who come in so broken. We have this honeymoon stage where they are just so grateful for the program...but when it passes, and it will pass, I have to remember that they are hurting and sometimes their natural tendency is to fight back those they are the safest with. It has nothing to do with my age, my experience, or the wisdom or knowledge He gives...it is not about me.

Keep it simple

I am finding that sometimes we over-try things in ministry. Yet the things that I gain the most pleasure out of here are the simplest things. Last week I was in the hall talking to one of my girls and I pulled out a pair of rollerblades that I have. We played in the carpeted hall for a good 15-20 minutes with them. First I tried rolling around on them and then she put them on and tried. It was so fun to just sit and laugh at each other. Late last week staff started painting an apartment for a resident who will be moving in. It has been so relaxing to just hang out with staff, continue developing relationships as a team, getting messy with paint, getting annoyed with the tapped of sections that become un-taped. So how do I practice a ministry of presence and allow myself to truly see the beauty of simplicity?

I always tell people that this work is so far beyond me, which is good. I am forced to see that I cannot rely on myself for strength, wisdom, energy, or direction for the women or myself. I need to tap into Him and know that He is in control. Yesterday I was at morning community Bible study. We have about 15 houses in our network, which we consider our community. Anyhow, the study is mostly compiled of residents with a few staff here and there. I was the only staff yesterday morning. The residents were going on about how they find it hard to be in the homes with staff half their age, telling them what to do, acting as if we know all the answers, or trying to help them through things we do not know anything about (drug abuse, addiction, abusive relationships). I totally felt attacked through it. I am half their age, I never claim to have the answers, and maybe I have never had a substance addiction, but I have had my run of bad habits...life threatening even. I wanted to stand up and defend the staff and let the residents who were complaining know that we are simply willing vessels here to serve. We are broken vessels, but willing to do what He asks of us. It takes sacrifice to be here. It takes humility to see we do not have it figured out and to openly admit it. It takes long days, late nights, and thousands of tears to be here. I wanted to say all of that, but I realized that I do not need to defend myself, I have One so much great who knows what it takes, knows that I am willing...that is it. I am here and that is the sacrifice I have to offer. I have nothing to prove to any human.

the streets

On Saturday I was walking to the offices for our organization. Along the way I saw this man stop a women who appeared to be homeless. He told her he would give her a couple of pills if she went into the store (a liquor store we were outside of) and bought him a bottle. My heart broke. These streets are covered with such entrepreneurs. All I could do was pray.

Last night I served at our church's EAT kitchen. It is a meal after the evening service. There were small children, grown men, and women...all lost. I looked into their eyes as they thanked us for the meal we threw together. I could tell some had not showered, some were wearing their only set of clothes, some were eating the only meal they had for the day, and only God knows how much longer it would before their next meal. These streets are filled with the wounded, broken, and lost. All I could do is pray.

I do not pray enough. Sometimes I wonder if I believe enough in the prayers I do say. May I be foolish enough to believe that I may be used to make some difference for someone...anyone...just one.

"There is no greater power in this universe than the power of prayer." -aNOnYmoUS