Doubt

Last week was a tough week. For some reason on Monday and Tuesday the residents kept trying to remind me that I was younger than them, that I had not experienced life as they had, and that I did not have all the answers. Again, I have never claimed to have all the answers, I do not know what it means to be in an intimate relationship with an abuser, though I do know some of what it is to experience abuse from family, and though I am young I have been placed in this ministry.

On Wednesday I spent most of my evening with one of my ladies in the ER. She was ok, mostly just overwhelmed with life as a whole. That night I sat in the car wondering when an ambulance would come take me away...at least so that I could get away for awhile. I so desperately just wanted to quit. The last few week just finally started to ware on me and I was ready to check out. I realized leaving was not the answer, it is when we want to walk away and choose to stay that we show we are truly living for Him.

The rest of my week was entirely consumed with painting and preping an apartment for a resident to move in. The painting was not so bad, but the constant feeling of having something to do did. I went from meeting, to painting, from office work, to painting, from dinner, to more painting. I think I put in roughly ten hours every day last week. Sadly, so did my co-workers! I guess it was good bonding for us. Anyhow, finally things were over by Saturday night. Yesterday I had only enough energy to attend service and to nap during the football game.

I do love being here. I love these women. I love these children. Today I got a new resident and I was reminded that I am here for these ladies who come in so broken. We have this honeymoon stage where they are just so grateful for the program...but when it passes, and it will pass, I have to remember that they are hurting and sometimes their natural tendency is to fight back those they are the safest with. It has nothing to do with my age, my experience, or the wisdom or knowledge He gives...it is not about me.

Keep it simple

I am finding that sometimes we over-try things in ministry. Yet the things that I gain the most pleasure out of here are the simplest things. Last week I was in the hall talking to one of my girls and I pulled out a pair of rollerblades that I have. We played in the carpeted hall for a good 15-20 minutes with them. First I tried rolling around on them and then she put them on and tried. It was so fun to just sit and laugh at each other. Late last week staff started painting an apartment for a resident who will be moving in. It has been so relaxing to just hang out with staff, continue developing relationships as a team, getting messy with paint, getting annoyed with the tapped of sections that become un-taped. So how do I practice a ministry of presence and allow myself to truly see the beauty of simplicity?

I always tell people that this work is so far beyond me, which is good. I am forced to see that I cannot rely on myself for strength, wisdom, energy, or direction for the women or myself. I need to tap into Him and know that He is in control. Yesterday I was at morning community Bible study. We have about 15 houses in our network, which we consider our community. Anyhow, the study is mostly compiled of residents with a few staff here and there. I was the only staff yesterday morning. The residents were going on about how they find it hard to be in the homes with staff half their age, telling them what to do, acting as if we know all the answers, or trying to help them through things we do not know anything about (drug abuse, addiction, abusive relationships). I totally felt attacked through it. I am half their age, I never claim to have the answers, and maybe I have never had a substance addiction, but I have had my run of bad habits...life threatening even. I wanted to stand up and defend the staff and let the residents who were complaining know that we are simply willing vessels here to serve. We are broken vessels, but willing to do what He asks of us. It takes sacrifice to be here. It takes humility to see we do not have it figured out and to openly admit it. It takes long days, late nights, and thousands of tears to be here. I wanted to say all of that, but I realized that I do not need to defend myself, I have One so much great who knows what it takes, knows that I am willing...that is it. I am here and that is the sacrifice I have to offer. I have nothing to prove to any human.